Script of SNL Patrick Stewart 1994 Appearance #5 -- 2 skits from closed captions

John Shocked

2005-09-30 07:48:40 UTC

In these 1994 Saturday Night Live skits, Patrick Stewart of Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), to his credit,
says: "say No to anal sex !". As such, Stewart, who I am sure contributed to both of these 1994 Saturday Night
Live scripts, clearly wanted to denounce the direction the Star Trek franchise took at that time when it was
taken over by Hollywood Homosexuals, after the 1991 death of Gene Roddenberry and the takeover of the Star Trek
enterprise by Rick Berman.

Episodes like ST:TNG The Outcast in 1992 and the whole script of the new series Star Trek Deep: Space Nine
(1993-1999) with the androgynous (male and female in the same body) Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell) character were
designed primarily to sell Sodomy to you and your kids in this new Rick Berman era.

Politics

==========================================================
[Transcripts of 2 Saturday Night Live skits excerpted from the February 5, 1994 Patrick Stewart appearance from closed captions]
===============================================

Hi! Welcome to sexy cakes, the erotic bakery.

I've walked by this place. I never thought I'd go inside it.
Well, I think you'll find that it's a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.
Yeah, my friend's havin' a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.
Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party.

Oh, oh -- what about this one? What do you think?

Looks like a woman goin' to the bathroom.

[ Light laughter ]

Yeah, it's very sexy.

[ Laughter ]

What else do you have?
Ooh, I understand. It's not, perhaps, your cup of tea.

Perhaps -- maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley.

This is the exact same cake.
No, no, no. This is chocolate.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, but it's still a woman goin' to the bathroom.
Exactly.

Oh, could you excuse me for a moment?

Hi.

Hi, we're here to pick up our cake.

Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.

[ Laughter ]

Right.

I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well, I think you'll enjoy the results.

Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, it's very exciting, isn't it?

That'll be $15.

We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.
Yeah, I know.

Well, I guess you can say I sexied it up for you. No extra charge.

Party's tonight. We'll take it.
Thank you.

Oh, you'll have to excuse me. It has been like this all day.

What other types of cakes do you have?
Well, why don 't we take a look at our catalog?

Now, you see, this shows every sexy, titillating cake we offer. Oh, now, here's a woman squatting behind some bushes.
[ Laughter ]
Look, the leaves are made of spun sugar. [this is a great SNL parody line]
And -- oh.
Here's a lady using a little marzipan port-a-potty.

So all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?
Yeah.

[ Laughter ]
What's your point?

Well, don't you have anything else?
Look, maybe you don't understand. This is an erotic bakery.
I'm sorry.

I just don't find this very erotic.

A woman going to the bathroom? You don't find it erotic?
No, not really.
Well, then what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?

[ Light laughter ]

I don't know --people having sex? Female and male genitalia. You know, somethin' like that.
Well, if that's what you're after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee.

[ Laughter ]

Can't you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?
All right, look, I'll tell you what I will do.

I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom.
[ Light laughter ]
And then, that way, you'll be happy, and your friends will be happy.

I don't think my friends would like that, either.
Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime!

[ Light laughter ]

Look, could we just have a cake with just sex and no going to the bathroom?
May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?

[ Light laughter ]

I'll tell you what --just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Why?!
This is some kind of joke, isn't it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?

You get out! Go on. Get out of here, young man!

Hi. It's my fiancé's birthday. Can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?
Absolutely.

[ Cheers and applause ]

===========================================

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Nickelodeon theme plays ]
You show me and I'll show you dr. Elders will show us, too 'cause you're
never too young and you're never too small to know the difference between a penis and a ball
yay

Nickelodeon presents --

"Show and Tell," with Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders.

Good morning, boys and girls. And welcome to "Show and Tell."

You know, learning safe sex is as easy as A-B-C.
Did somebody say "A-B-C"?
"A" is for "abstinence."
Which -- I have to be honest with you -- is a Reagan-era fantasy.
[ Light laughter ]
Children are going to have sex. It's as easy as that.
Okay?
"B" is for "bastard."
That's a technical word for the product of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
Now, do we have any bastards here today?
[ Laughter ]
Come on, Tony. You're a bastard. Raise your hand.
[ Laughter ]
There's no shame in that. Good, Tony.
You know, Jesse Jackson is a bastard.
As are all of Goldie Hawn's children.
[ Laughter ]
Can you say "Jesse Jackson" and "Goldie Hawn"?

All: Jesse Jackson and Goldie Hawn.
Good!

Now, what we are tryin' to do is to make fewer bastards, which brings us to
"C."
Now, what is "C" for, children?

All: "Condoms"!
That's right.

Very good.
We learn that every week.
Can't hit the condoms too hard.
Condom, condom, condom!
[ Laughter ]
Well, boys and girls, I think "A" through "C" is good for today.
Tomorrow, we'll study "D" through "G."
That's "dental dam" through "gonorrhea."
[ Bell rings ]
Oh, goody, goody, goody!
It's time for our special guest. And he's come all the way
from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.
Boys and girls, let's give a warm "Show and Tell" welcome to Dr. Ian Menchenson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome, Dr. Menchenson.

Thank you, General Elders. It's a great pleasure to be here.

We, at the Center for Disease Control, agree that kids are never too young to hear frank and open discussion of sexuality
and health issues.
And that's why we are terribly excited about our new program, which is called "project just say no to anal intercourse."
[ Laughter ]

Now, what do you have to show the children?
Well -- this is what we at "Project Just Say No To Anal Intercourse" call the visible rectum.

[ Laughter ]
Now, this --this -- it's a learning tool.
And we have developed it especially for children aged 6 to 8.

Uh-huh, and how does it work?
How does it work?

Well, basically, we think it's absolutely vital for children to know that, during anal intercourse, the tearing and ripping of the
anal membrane can expose the receptor's bloodstream to a large dose of HIV-laden ejaculate --

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry?
No, doctor.

I think you're frightenin' the children.

Good.

Good!
That's just what we're trying to do at "Project Just Say No To Anal Intercourse."
You see, we want to discourage anal intercourse among children, and by alerting them to the dangers --

No, no, no, doctor!

I think maybe the visible rectum is a bad idea.

Oh. I have drawings.
No, no, no.

I'm afraid that we've run out of time.
Kids, let's thank Dr. Menchenson.
[ Applause ]
Well, that's all the time we have for today. But before we go, I should announce that this was our last show for nickelodeon.
Evidently, we've been gettin' a lot of negative mail from some very narrow-minded people.
But that's okay. We're movin' to PBS on weekdays, following "Daddy's Got a Boyfriend."
[ Laughter ]
And remember, boys and girls, if you're gonna have anal-oral contact and you're not sure of your partner's history --

All: Use a dental dam.
Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.
[ Applause ]
==================================